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Damn Facebook.
Mar. 16th, 2010 10:26 pmPeople who hadn't heard about Tyler's passing are just now finding about it by stumbling on his page. For instance, our former youth pastor Rob. Well then my friend Tom (the guy I've known since 1st grade who got me going to church and everything) saw Rob's status and that I had commented on it and asked me what happened. To think, if we didn't have this mind numbing time wasting internet site, people wouldn't even know that their friend had died. Nobody would have called or written or emailed (I don't know if including email goes against my point or not). I don't live there anymore. Neither do Rob or Tom. (Though I am surprised that nobody called Rob, seeing how the former Jr. High pastor was the one who officiated the funeral, which was at our church.) None of us are really in the circle of his super close friends. So, ya know, wtf. Thank God for technology, but damn it at the same time.
ETA 1: Rob did know.
ETA 2: I meant to include this - I did send Tyler's mom a message about possibly meeting up, but she didn't really give a conclusive reply, so I didn't want to push the issue. Oh well :)
ETA 1: Rob did know.
ETA 2: I meant to include this - I did send Tyler's mom a message about possibly meeting up, but she didn't really give a conclusive reply, so I didn't want to push the issue. Oh well :)
9/19/85 - 1/26/10
Jan. 30th, 2010 10:00 amToday is Tyler's funeral. I don't know if I'll regret not being there, but I don't feel like I was "supposed" to be there. Maybe when I get out of the stage where this is all fake and I stop thinking he's going to come back and be like "jk about the whole death thing! lol!"
I feel like I'm reading a carefully crafted work of fiction every time I look at the obituary, or the facebook statuses, or his wall where loved ones have paid respects and posted memories. I feel like I'm telling bold-faced lies whenever I talk about it or post something myself, as if someone's going to reply to me and say "wait, what are you TALKING about?"
I feel like this post is bullshit.
I feel like I'm reading a carefully crafted work of fiction every time I look at the obituary, or the facebook statuses, or his wall where loved ones have paid respects and posted memories. I feel like I'm telling bold-faced lies whenever I talk about it or post something myself, as if someone's going to reply to me and say "wait, what are you TALKING about?"
I feel like this post is bullshit.
did i ever mention...
Jan. 5th, 2003 09:52 pm...that i HATE SNOW. i drove home in it and i slid a couple times but not a lot. my dad was all amazed that my little ol' saturn has nice tires and made it up our road without even sliding. (i live on top of a big ol' hill.)
and let me just tell you that i'm the same old fool i've always been, a fool for a friendship that no longer exists, a sucker for trying to show i care when i'm not the one with something to prove. not to mention i don't know if i even do care anymore. if i can just stay in florida for this summer, see if he notices anything then. DARN YOU TYLER! ughhhh.
and let me just tell you that i'm the same old fool i've always been, a fool for a friendship that no longer exists, a sucker for trying to show i care when i'm not the one with something to prove. not to mention i don't know if i even do care anymore. if i can just stay in florida for this summer, see if he notices anything then. DARN YOU TYLER! ughhhh.
moving along
May. 21st, 2002 07:53 pmi wrote to matt w. and laura! woo. i am proud of me.
i bought "through being cool" today because i'm a winner. i listened to the first half of it, it's cool. it's very different from "stay what you are". i also went into aeropostale for the first time ever. i bought 2 shirts. one is a green tank with rainbow trim and the other is a pink striped halter.
and you care because?
oh, by the way i feel a LOT better. i think i sneezed like once today, if at all.
i was at justin's house for a while. it was cool. we hung out for a while. he showed me an old IM conversation he'd saved of us. (he has 7 of me... i probably have like 2348910724.) it was about how i hated christmas and i hated my family. fun stuff. yeah, i was still depressed back then. (ha, it was from christmas eve. what the crap.) i don't save IMs to my computer, i print them.
my mommy was just in here. everyone say "hi mom".
yeah so i feel good about myself because i got off my ass and went out and did stuff. i've completed most of my list, i just have to write amanda and nathan, and actually GET a job. now that i have applied though, it's temporarily out of my hands.
i want to call tyler and be like yo let's hang out. but i can wait 2 days. and sadly, i have nothing to say to him. his company in itself isn't enough anymore.
damn! that was a sad ending!
uh... my hair is straight. and my head didn't bleed this time! woo! that's shear happiness right there, folks. boo-yah :-P
i bought "through being cool" today because i'm a winner. i listened to the first half of it, it's cool. it's very different from "stay what you are". i also went into aeropostale for the first time ever. i bought 2 shirts. one is a green tank with rainbow trim and the other is a pink striped halter.
and you care because?
oh, by the way i feel a LOT better. i think i sneezed like once today, if at all.
i was at justin's house for a while. it was cool. we hung out for a while. he showed me an old IM conversation he'd saved of us. (he has 7 of me... i probably have like 2348910724.) it was about how i hated christmas and i hated my family. fun stuff. yeah, i was still depressed back then. (ha, it was from christmas eve. what the crap.) i don't save IMs to my computer, i print them.
my mommy was just in here. everyone say "hi mom".
yeah so i feel good about myself because i got off my ass and went out and did stuff. i've completed most of my list, i just have to write amanda and nathan, and actually GET a job. now that i have applied though, it's temporarily out of my hands.
i want to call tyler and be like yo let's hang out. but i can wait 2 days. and sadly, i have nothing to say to him. his company in itself isn't enough anymore.
damn! that was a sad ending!
uh... my hair is straight. and my head didn't bleed this time! woo! that's shear happiness right there, folks. boo-yah :-P
never there
May. 19th, 2002 04:31 pmtyler wasn't @ core. neither were 1490712407214 other people. justin *was* there. ack... justin is everywhere!
pete, eric, and regina were all not at emmaus today. i don't even think i want to work on this one. the meeting sucked and being on day help i don't feel that i would really be an asset to the weekend.
when will my summer stop being full of letdowns? i know it's only been a week, but still...
ughhhh.
pete, eric, and regina were all not at emmaus today. i don't even think i want to work on this one. the meeting sucked and being on day help i don't feel that i would really be an asset to the weekend.
when will my summer stop being full of letdowns? i know it's only been a week, but still...
ughhhh.
my current music is that song that starts out "it's yet to be determined" and then it goes "it's colder than it ought to be in march" bla bla. i forgot the name of it and i don't feel like looking it up right now.
uh let's see... well here is the deal: it sucks when you think you know yourself and you find out you're wrong. i totally thought i would come back here and be all ga ga ga i like tyler but NO THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. grrrr. ugh and it seemed as though he was ignoring me last night. gah. i know i am probably over reacting. but... i don't want to deal with this crap all summer, and i only just got here. ooooyyyyeeee.......!
uh let's see... well here is the deal: it sucks when you think you know yourself and you find out you're wrong. i totally thought i would come back here and be all ga ga ga i like tyler but NO THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. grrrr. ugh and it seemed as though he was ignoring me last night. gah. i know i am probably over reacting. but... i don't want to deal with this crap all summer, and i only just got here. ooooyyyyeeee.......!
i HATE hot guys
May. 16th, 2002 05:20 pmwill someone make me not want to im nathan? pweez?
ugh and he's going to ft. lauderdale in like 4 days so i won't be able to. ha.
this is all up in the "be careful what you wish for"-ness. grrr.
speaking of hot guys... i get to see tyler in like 2 hours! =D well maybe he'd be a hot guy if he cut his hair back to normal and ixnayed on the sideburns. although, the non smoking-ness makes him more hotter. :) ha, i swear he has longer hair than i do. that's funny.
ugh and he's going to ft. lauderdale in like 4 days so i won't be able to. ha.
this is all up in the "be careful what you wish for"-ness. grrr.
speaking of hot guys... i get to see tyler in like 2 hours! =D well maybe he'd be a hot guy if he cut his hair back to normal and ixnayed on the sideburns. although, the non smoking-ness makes him more hotter. :) ha, i swear he has longer hair than i do. that's funny.
skippity doo dah
May. 15th, 2002 12:10 amhmm.
i have no cavities.
my gpa appears to have gone down :(
tyler quit smoking =D =D =D
uh... me and justin are going bowling tomorrow.
today was boring.
i have no cavities.
my gpa appears to have gone down :(
tyler quit smoking =D =D =D
uh... me and justin are going bowling tomorrow.
today was boring.
i slept until noon today. it was good stuff.
last night i went to the empress to see statement of purpose. they kick a lot of butt. and guess what guess what guess what???
I FINALLY SAW TYLER!!!!!!!! =D =D =D
he gave me a really really big hug, and i of course gave him a really really big hug too, and we both let go at the same time and it just felt really really cool. like all the crap that's been thrown at me since wednesday has all been worth it just to get that hug from tyler.
OH YEAH! YOU ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
wednesday - kikki's mini-fridge lands on her ankle. eventually i borrow caryn's car and drive kikki to the hospital. we sit there for FIVE HOURS and a wrong xray. they tell us "elevate it, ice it, and take some tylenol." the RA told us that at 6:30 when this all happened. we got home at 1am.
thursday - was sposta go to the beach. (i made it there, don't worry.) had no ride, so borrowed caryn's car again. kikki has orientation at usf. asks me to drive her to first bus stop so she only has to take one bus. traci gets lost. kikki asks me to drive her straight to usf. no traffic, good stuff. then i get lost in usf trying to find a building i know the exact location of, except we didn't know that it was the building we needed because nobody told kikki what building we needed. finally found building and dropped her off. got gas. headed to clearwater at 2:30. was sposta have headed to clearwater at 1! almost got lost at the beach because nathan gives crappy directions :-P (j/k) found nathan. he was the only one there. then asif came and i felt all third wheelish and stuff, not to mention feeling like a failure for planning something and only having a total of 4 people show up (rebecca had been there before). oh yeah i forgot to mention i got to the beach at 3:30, shoulda been there at 1 but oh well.
friday i just spent packing and stuff.
saturday - flew home. got stuck in traffic by whitestone bridge. dad says "screw it" and gets off the highway and goes over a different bridge on another highway. takes 3 hours to take a 1½ hour trip. meanwhile i try to call tyler 3 times. the 1st time i got no answer and hung up. the 2nd time i got no answer and left a message. the 3rd time i got his mommy. she said tyler wouldn't be in tonight. well gosh darn, there goes my plan to see him before i saw anyone else. (more about that later.)
sunday - wake up mad early. go to prime time, hoping to see tyler. tyler isn't there. i stay anyway and sees cool people so it's okay. then i ask tanya and kayla if he will be at the second service. they say no. i go to super foodmart and drop of my camera. call daddy to check in and then call tyler. he was home. i told him to go to the SoP show. so he did. the end.
the only thing i see totally and truely wrong with all of this is this: after all the hell i went through over the last few days, can i be a little selfish here? don't i deserve the fairy tale ending? (have i typed this before?) that's what i thought God wanted but then i think Satan sabotaged it once i figured that out. but like i said, after all of this crap, getting that big hug from my bestest friend made it all worth it.
i heart tyler :)
last night i went to the empress to see statement of purpose. they kick a lot of butt. and guess what guess what guess what???
I FINALLY SAW TYLER!!!!!!!! =D =D =D
he gave me a really really big hug, and i of course gave him a really really big hug too, and we both let go at the same time and it just felt really really cool. like all the crap that's been thrown at me since wednesday has all been worth it just to get that hug from tyler.
OH YEAH! YOU ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!
wednesday - kikki's mini-fridge lands on her ankle. eventually i borrow caryn's car and drive kikki to the hospital. we sit there for FIVE HOURS and a wrong xray. they tell us "elevate it, ice it, and take some tylenol." the RA told us that at 6:30 when this all happened. we got home at 1am.
thursday - was sposta go to the beach. (i made it there, don't worry.) had no ride, so borrowed caryn's car again. kikki has orientation at usf. asks me to drive her to first bus stop so she only has to take one bus. traci gets lost. kikki asks me to drive her straight to usf. no traffic, good stuff. then i get lost in usf trying to find a building i know the exact location of, except we didn't know that it was the building we needed because nobody told kikki what building we needed. finally found building and dropped her off. got gas. headed to clearwater at 2:30. was sposta have headed to clearwater at 1! almost got lost at the beach because nathan gives crappy directions :-P (j/k) found nathan. he was the only one there. then asif came and i felt all third wheelish and stuff, not to mention feeling like a failure for planning something and only having a total of 4 people show up (rebecca had been there before). oh yeah i forgot to mention i got to the beach at 3:30, shoulda been there at 1 but oh well.
friday i just spent packing and stuff.
saturday - flew home. got stuck in traffic by whitestone bridge. dad says "screw it" and gets off the highway and goes over a different bridge on another highway. takes 3 hours to take a 1½ hour trip. meanwhile i try to call tyler 3 times. the 1st time i got no answer and hung up. the 2nd time i got no answer and left a message. the 3rd time i got his mommy. she said tyler wouldn't be in tonight. well gosh darn, there goes my plan to see him before i saw anyone else. (more about that later.)
sunday - wake up mad early. go to prime time, hoping to see tyler. tyler isn't there. i stay anyway and sees cool people so it's okay. then i ask tanya and kayla if he will be at the second service. they say no. i go to super foodmart and drop of my camera. call daddy to check in and then call tyler. he was home. i told him to go to the SoP show. so he did. the end.
the only thing i see totally and truely wrong with all of this is this: after all the hell i went through over the last few days, can i be a little selfish here? don't i deserve the fairy tale ending? (have i typed this before?) that's what i thought God wanted but then i think Satan sabotaged it once i figured that out. but like i said, after all of this crap, getting that big hug from my bestest friend made it all worth it.
i heart tyler :)
home sweet home
May. 11th, 2002 07:15 pmwhat language is the little dude on top of the page speakin?! uhhh yeah. i'm home. it only took 3 hours to get back from the airport. which is an hour and a half away. and i can't see tyler until tomorrow. this ruins my entire plan. i've been a good girl, i've gone through hell these last 3 days, don't i deserve the fairy tale ending? i should never have revealed that i realized God wanted me to have it, because Satan overheard me and messed things up. grr, argh. i want to see tylerrrrrrrr. :*(
"w00t" continued
May. 8th, 2002 01:04 ami want to cry so badly right now.
i am so afraid of my own feelings. it's bad enough that i thought i would end up liking tyler again when i went home. (i say that like it's already happened... it hasn't, but i know me and it inevitably will.) but now he's free. and i have that chance. and that really scares the crap out of me. stuff like this, stuff that's too good to be true, it just doesn't happen to me. and the thought that it keeps coming closer and closer, man that's intimidating.
does this make any sense to you?
me either. :-\
i am so afraid of my own feelings. it's bad enough that i thought i would end up liking tyler again when i went home. (i say that like it's already happened... it hasn't, but i know me and it inevitably will.) but now he's free. and i have that chance. and that really scares the crap out of me. stuff like this, stuff that's too good to be true, it just doesn't happen to me. and the thought that it keeps coming closer and closer, man that's intimidating.
does this make any sense to you?
me either. :-\
