this ruined puzzle
Dec. 25th, 2002 07:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bellapalmerathe title is such a great description of whats happening, although quite frankly the lyrics to the song are like 214901724 miles away from whats going on.
justin told me so many things, trying to explain to me his part of what happened, and its like... stop. not to him, to stop throwing ideas at me; but to me, to stop thinking that it matters what happened and just forget the then and focus on the now. that's the hardest thing ever for me to do, but i'm going to have to. it's part of my personality, everything has to be clear cut, there's always a right answer, a certain reason, for everything, and i can't handle if there's not.
i've been trying to put the puzzle together for weeks now, but there's so many pieces missing and out of place, i might as well just throw my arm across the table, bury my head in my hands out of frustration, and accept the fact that i can't solve this one. that i need to try another.
in a way i feel like an asshole. like justin's what i have left and i'm just trying with this relationship (whatever it may be) so i have anything at all... okay fine, so i have more left than that... like my parents, and a few friends, but you get the point. anyway... only for that reason do i wonder if it's worth it. but everything else... when done in honesty, that's what's worth it. he's the only other person in this god forsaken state [excluding family] who's said the words "i love you" to me. (the first being eric, and we all know who's fault THAT screw-up is.)
to have enough confidence in yourself to recognize when someone else is doing you wrong, it can actually be a very useful gift. admission is, after all, the first step, even if you're only admitting it to yourself -- which very often is harder than admitting it to someone else. when people leave you without saying goodbye, you're not the asshole... they are. i think this is why i forgive justin... this whole paragraph up to here, it was not about him. it was about the people who have no clue that they're doing something wrong.
justin might read this at some point... this time i was completely honest. no exaggerating and misunderstanding in this entry. no making anyone look like a jerk.
so, who had a merry xmas?
justin told me so many things, trying to explain to me his part of what happened, and its like... stop. not to him, to stop throwing ideas at me; but to me, to stop thinking that it matters what happened and just forget the then and focus on the now. that's the hardest thing ever for me to do, but i'm going to have to. it's part of my personality, everything has to be clear cut, there's always a right answer, a certain reason, for everything, and i can't handle if there's not.
i've been trying to put the puzzle together for weeks now, but there's so many pieces missing and out of place, i might as well just throw my arm across the table, bury my head in my hands out of frustration, and accept the fact that i can't solve this one. that i need to try another.
in a way i feel like an asshole. like justin's what i have left and i'm just trying with this relationship (whatever it may be) so i have anything at all... okay fine, so i have more left than that... like my parents, and a few friends, but you get the point. anyway... only for that reason do i wonder if it's worth it. but everything else... when done in honesty, that's what's worth it. he's the only other person in this god forsaken state [excluding family] who's said the words "i love you" to me. (the first being eric, and we all know who's fault THAT screw-up is.)
to have enough confidence in yourself to recognize when someone else is doing you wrong, it can actually be a very useful gift. admission is, after all, the first step, even if you're only admitting it to yourself -- which very often is harder than admitting it to someone else. when people leave you without saying goodbye, you're not the asshole... they are. i think this is why i forgive justin... this whole paragraph up to here, it was not about him. it was about the people who have no clue that they're doing something wrong.
justin might read this at some point... this time i was completely honest. no exaggerating and misunderstanding in this entry. no making anyone look like a jerk.
so, who had a merry xmas?
